The following will NOT be found in the third chpater of John.
Now a certain man was sick, named Preclear, of Los Angeles, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. (It was that Mary which anointed the red-haired Lord with gin, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Preclear was sick.) Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, “Lord Hubbard, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick. When LRH heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of auditing, that the Greatest Thetan might be glorified thereby.”
Now Hubbard loved Martha, and her sister and Preclear almost as much as he did money. Almost.
When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was. Then after that saith he to his disciples, “Let us go into Orange County again.” His disciples say unto him, “Master, the wogs of late sought to stone thee; and goest thou thither again?” Hubbard answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If any man walk in the day, he stumbleth not, because he seeth the light of this world. But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him. Fear thee not then, we can always use the night depository; but let us hope for cash, not checks.’
These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, “Our friend Preclear sleepeth; but I go, that I may regge him out of sleep.” But his followers did not understand LRH, then said Hubbard unto them plainly, “Preclear is dead and the dead spend little on courses. Worse yet Preclear forgot to sign his last check!!”
Then said Thomas, the Ethics Officer,unto his fellow disciples, “you had better hope to hell that he raises this dude of you won’t see any pay for a month.”
Then when Hubbard came, he found that Preclear had lain in the grave four days already. Now the nearest bank was about fifteen furlongs off: but that was of little use unless Preclear could sign the check. And many of the wogs came to Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning their brother.
Then Martha, as soon as she heard that Hubbard was coming, went and hid the silverware: but Mary sat still in the house; she had already buried her valuables in the garden in back.
LRH said unto her, “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live again in the whole time track: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believeth thou this? Then sign up for auditing”
Then they came to the grave of Preclear and Hubbard said, “Remove the stone, but don’t scratch it; we might be able to get something for it at the flea market.” His disciples then opened the grave and hooked the meter up to Preclear’s dead hands.
And Hubbard lifted up his eyes to read from the check sheet and audited him while his followers chanted “sign the check, sign the bloody check.”
At last Preclear burst from his grave throwing his grave clothes about and espying Hubbard he sayeth: “Verily thou art the greatest scoundrel that ever existed. Thy greed hath even overwhelmed death itself. But it avails thee naught; my checking account is overdrawn.”